“Yksi, kaksi, kolme, SAUNA!” And we’re in Switzerland, the “Home of Eurovision” for this year’s festival of nutcases. We’ve already lost Belgium’s Red Sebastian, a man who at one point appeared to be straddling himself, and Azerbaijan’s unexpected falsetto beneath the Eye of Sauron. We’ve also lost singular words from Malta’s entry, after broadcasters for whom Eurovision goes out pre-watershed objected to her risqué use of the word “kant.” This being Eurovision, the audience is going to shout it out anyway wherever it should appear, so be ready for that.

This year there are a lot of pop-up violins, not all of them actually played, but waved around. Sweden is the bookies’ favourite, with a quirky song about saunas, sung by three Finns. Sweden is so smug about their chances of winning this year that their various city councils are already arguing about who should host the 2026 competition. Malmö doesn’t want it again, because of all the extra costs of policing those anti-Israel demonstrations. One thing is certain, if “Bara bada bastu” does perform as expected, then the newspapers in Helsinki on Sunday morning are going to say “FINNS WIN EUROVISION” (and Sweden has to pay for it…).

Switzerland was the site of the first ever Eurovision Song Contest in 1956, so you can expect the presenters to crow about that at least half a dozen times: shout it out every time they say “Home of Eurovision.”

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom, and there are quite a few to look for in the background video, too.

• She says “Serving”; you say “Kant!”
• glittery eyes
• onstage boat (this happens twice!)
• flying paper boat
• one violin
• two violins!
• three violins!!!
• mouth glitterball
• big sausage
• KEY CHANGE!
• Costume change
• giant golden microphone
• SPLITS!
• singing in a sandpit
• She’s brought her own dragon!
• Look for the word: ZARGO
• onstage woodwork
• man in a mask
• David makes a face
• He’s upside down!
• hands make a heart
• wiggle dance
• walking on humans
• digital birds
• lots of beans
• they’ve all got tails!
• lumberjacks
• topless man
• Dangle singing
• pearl necklace
• pointy shoulders
• skirt made of dancers
• LOOKALIKEY: Alan Davies on guitar
• drummer’s heart train
• he’s running on his own travelator
• birch microphones
• very long piano
• onstage swimming
• rotating monoliths
• THREE! GOLDEN! RINGS!
• mirror heart
• Winking
• Bimbling*
  ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  Buddha Jazz Hands***

Someone says “Jaja Dingdong!” — An oldie but a goodie, liable to crop up during the voting.

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to

Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“What the hell just happened…?”