Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2022

“Veni, Vidi EUROVICCI!” We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by Italy, whose entry last year was a breath of rocking fresh air, but sadly inspired a lot of the lesser countries to send a bunch of crappy garage bands.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to a bunch of those, as well as Latvia’s over-enthusiastic vegans and Albania’s… well, she was a lot. And I was sorry to see Georgia go, as they even brought their own puppets. But there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in a year sure to be over-shadowed by Ukraine getting invaded again.

Ukraine’s entry, in fact, is the favourite to win, even though it wasn’t actually good enough to even win a Song for Ukraine, and only made it through after Alina Pash was disqualified! Our things to look for this year take that into account, as well as the Eurovision loophole that politics are supposedly banned from the venue, but there’s nothing wrong with waving a Ukrainian flag to support their entry… or painting a Ukrainian flag on your hand, or wearing a costume in Ukrainian colours.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • Someone dares to actually say: “Veni, Vidi, Eurovicci”)
  • “What is the secret of a healthy body?”
  • Kite made of lasers.
  • Accordion!
  • Yellow balloon
  • LYRICS: “Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!”
  • One White Leg
  • It’s the pound-shop Liza Minnelli!
  • Face furniture
  • French women walk up some steps
  • French women walk down some steps
  • Wrestler’s belt.
  • LYRICS: “Shlabadabbadabba”
  • Black Goop
  • Broken heart made of lasers! On his face!
  • Hand-washing onstage
  • Man in a crop top
  • Pointing
  • LYRICS: “I really like your teeth”
  • Plays guitar with a bow
  • Hands make a heart
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • WINKING
  • COSTUME CHANGE
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from live competition owing to a plague scare?

SLAVA UKRAINI – shout it out every time you see a Ukrainian flag, wherever it may be, and whenever someone gives douze pity-points to that terrible song.

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“I will call you Keith.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2021

Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro (We’re out of our minds, we’re different from them). We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by the Netherlands, who won with Duncan Laurence in 2019 – you remember him, right? It’s hosted by three normal-sized people and A Giant.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to North Macedonia’s glitterball waistcoat, Slovenia’s half-cloak and whatever the hell Australia thought they were doing, but there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in what appears to be a year in which multiple performers have decided to wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

The bookies are claiming that it’s all down to a stand-off between Italy (love their bass player, and their drummer’s name is Ethan Torchio) and France (a shouty woman in a basque), but be ready for some outliers – Iceland hoovering up the nerd vote, and several appeals to the woke generation, most notably the Netherlands’ rather sweet anti-colonial my-lovely-horse, featuring Captain Crunk the Crazy Bendy Dancer, who looks on the verge of throwing up.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • E(uro) V(ision) finger-signals (Roop will start it but people will copy)
  • Tap-dancing in trainers
  • Two giant trumpets
  • An unnecessary number of belts
  • The Invisible Man backing dancers
  • The prancing, dancing pair of glowing ringpieces
  • Dalek dress
  • Those fateful words “JAJA DINGDONG”
  • LYRICS: “Excuse my French.”
  • Sitting on a man chair
  • Big Golden Ball
  • Big Golden Ball with a Snake in it
  • The Mondrian Brass Section
  • Tix takes his sunglasses off
  • Tix puts his sunglasses back on
  • Lyrics: “Hear my body talk talk talk”
  • “WHO!?” – every time someone says “Duncan Laurence”.
  • LYRICS: “Every psycho on the scene…”
  • Dancing German Victory V
  • Walk like an Egyptian (every time)
  • Keyboard Circle!
  • Vulcan hand signal (Live Long and Prosper)
  • Necklace that says: “ANNOYING”.
  • Trinity from The Matrix wearing a dead muppet
  • Shoulder dancing
  • Liberty Jazz Hand (wiggling fingers at the back of the head in an attempt to imitate the Statue of Liberty)
  • Eclipse!
  • Look for the word “JOIN”
  • Glitterball leotard
  • Holy shit, it’s LORDI!
  • Ukulele throwing
  • Pointing
  • LYRICS: “I really don’t care dat you vant to bash me.”
  • Hands make a heart
  • Red middle finger
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • WINKING
  • COSTUME CHANGE
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from competition owing to a plague scare?

THE PALESTINIAN PROTEST SWEEPSTAKE – can you guess the time of the inevitable Palestinian protest? It could be a flag, it could be a speech, it could be a stage invasion, but you know someone’s going to try it on.

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

Denmark awards 12 points to Italy, whose band has a Danish bass player and a Danish name / Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“Your rhythm is rebellion.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2020

Since there is no Eurovision this year, there is also no Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, but that doesn’t mean that your correspondent hasn’t been enjoying the usual surfeit of mentalism among the entries that would have competed. If you ask me, and you didn’t, but if you did, Efendi’s Cleopatra (lost I-spy opportunities STEALTH BUDDHIST CHANTING) was my pick for third place, with Athena Manoukian’s Chains on You (lost I-spy opportunities: “HURT ME!”) would have been a shoe-in for second runner-up. But despite all you online pundits in love with Iceland’s dork-off, my pick for the top would have to be Little Big’s fantastic Uno.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2019

Dare to Dream! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this year by Israel, a country which won last year with a chicken dance in a kimono. The Netherlands is inexplicably the bookies’ favourite, but audience appreciation for Malta, Switzerland and Norway are all off the charts, and North Macedonia’s entry will be popular with anyone who can’t remember Rise Like a Phoenix. We’ve already had to say goodbye to Austria’s blue-rinse with a boob tube, Romania’s zombie bondage butlers and Portugal’s… well, I don’t know what Portugal was, except it was a song about mobile phones that sounded like someone throwing a piano down some stairs.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Midget drum-kit
Chinese man with a stepladder
Heart made of lasers
Pogo-dancing idiot
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
MULLET! (a man with two haircuts, both of them bad)
MAN TABLE! (table made of men)
Crotch grabbing
Some audience nutter waving a Brazilian flag for no reason.
Girls on sticks
Mirror man
Giant chair
Hammer time! (hammer as musical instrument)
Lyrics: “I’m dancing with the fairies now.”
Black thigh boots but no knickers
Sign: IT HURTS TO BE ALIVE
Sudden gospel choir
Hand-drawn armchair
Giant reindeer effigy
Man in inadvisable shorts
HOLA OLA! First sighting of supervisor Jon-Ola Sand
Pointing
Onstage Fencers
SHOW A LEG! (single leg poking out of costume)
Robot
Misheard lyrics: “I’m shitting my body tonight.”
He’s a Cockney Czech!
El Dancing Wicker Man
Lyrics: “Na Na Na”
Big ballerina
White thigh boots
Backflip! (seriously, stop with the... stop... stop!)
Hands make a heart (on or off-stage)
Gaucho backing dancers
Lyrics: “The ruins of what has been”
FLAME ON! (every time there's pyrotechnics)
Slide and Sneer!
Lyrics: “I can be your jungle.”
WINKING
COSTUME CHANGE
Giant ball!
Giant ball thrown into the audience.
Ribbons!
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

HORSE HEAD! As a special bonus for all you astronomers, at some point tonight you will see Barnard 33, also known as the Horsehead Nebula.

Other optional bonus categories are:

YES, WE KNOW! (every time someone points out Israel isn’t in Europe)

The Palestinian Protest Sweepstake – pick a song in advance to see if you can predict when the stage invasion, banner or other stunt inevitably happens. My guess is when Estonia or the UK are onstage, because that’s when everybody will be in the loo.

Threatening comment from Eastern European panellist about “our neighbours”

Panellist attempts to say “L’CHAIM!”

AYOUB SERIOUS? Green-room host Lucy Ayoub switches into Arabic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

 

“We are technicolour. Watch us go.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2018

All aboard, bonsoir et boa noite, beautiful creatures, for the 2018 Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, coming to you this Saturday from Lisbon, where the organisers have had A YEAR to write jokes that are funny, and make travelogue inserts that don’t make their country look like a school trip to the cork factory. Sadly, this year at the semi-finals we’ve already lost Switzerland’s slutty White Stripes take-off, and the attempt by Belarus to introduce the new sport of rose archery, but there is still plenty of mentalism for the Eurovision-lover or Eurovision-hater to get into. Finland’s gone a little bit Third Reich, Italy’s sent Scott Pilgrim and a man with a sore throat, and Portugal are trying too hard not to win again. But it’s been officially declared too gay for the Chinese, so well done, everybody.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Plays imaginary musical instrument
The Croydon Facelift Backing Dancers
Dracula's piano coffin
Fake snow
Man wearing a leopard
Half Woman, Half Mountain!
Einstein a go-go! Mad scientist plays the flute.
Mismatched eyes
SHOW A LEG! (single leg poking out of costume)
Jacket thrown into audience
Crowd-surfing guitarist
Lyrics: "I'm taking my Pikachu home."
Staircase on fire
It's the chest slapping dance
Man with a backpack
Country and western body popping
Croydon Facelifters again + Pound-Shop Beyonce
Barefoot singer
Lyrics: "Pam pam pa hoo, Turram pam pa hoo"
Spinning wheel of death
Creepy rentboy threatens to "dance you off"
The wigglebum dance trio
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (on or off-stage)
Lyrics: "bop-whop-a-lu bop on his wood bamboo"
Girl impersonates chicken
Shell Suit!
Samurai shoulderpads
Lyrics: "Scoo-bee-doo-bee bap bap"
Tuck your shirt in!
WINKING
Did she just say "MadaBaka", or...?
Waving the white flag
COSTUME CHANGE
Trust fall (I hope they catch her)
Lyrics: "Na na na na na na ne"
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Throwing imaginary objects into the audience
The music stops! Was that planned?
Tormund Giantsbane singing about peace and love
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***
FLAME ON! (every time there's pyrotechnics)

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

BONUS SCORING

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Chicken impersonation from foreign judge.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
CLANG! Portuguese host is as funny as a road accident.

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2017

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is in Ukraine, land of some of the best ever Eurovision mentalists. Sadly this year we’ve already lost Latvia’s disco-goth Sailor Moon and Montenegro’s ponytail whirling spacefarer, but there’s plenty of nutters left for Saturday..

This year is the year of the Man-Bun, with these monstrosities appearing on singers, dancers and band members. We also trial our new SHOW A LEG category, for any moment when someone has a single bare leg poking out their costume. This replaces our usual Mullet Dress category, since too many things that look like a mullet dress from a distance turn out to be miniskirts with bum veils. Yes, we have probably thought about this far too much.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

SHOW A LEG!
The Star Trek Away Team (science, command, security and… orange)
Tap that jug!
Hold my microphone for me
The one-legged hoppy dance
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (several)
Singing in a boat
Conveyor belt dancing
It’s the man in the moon!
WINKING (a lot of winking this year)
COSTUME CHANGE
It’s the Eiffel Tower!
Suddenly shouts “SAMURAI!”
Yodelling
Mask made out of fairy lights
Bouquet throwing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Slapping a pond
Writing on people with chalk
DANCING GORILLA!
Walking on a line he just drew
Onstage cannons
Sign: “Feeling all alone and insecure.”
Big Giant Head
Girl standing in a kaleidoscope (you’ll see three of her)
Xena Warrior Princess voguing in the back (looky likee)
Fat man in half a leather jacket
Glitterboobs (Visible glitter on boobs)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
Man with a horse’s head on top of a stepladder
Woman on a pedestal
Topless man/men
Mask made out of fairy lights
Brushes off imaginary dandruff (got to be quick with this one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

BONUS SCORING

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points
Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Britain scores nul points
Brazilian or Russian flag spotted in the audience.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
Ukrainian hosts compliment themselves on their attractiveness

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2016

nice hat

Godspeed, you funky Belgians! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2016 by Sweden, the country that never fails to be insufferably smug about winning all the time. And this year, it’s being broadcast in the USA: let’s see Trump put a wall around that.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Bosnia-Hercegovina’s bacofoil cellist, Moldova’s break-dancing astronaut, Belarus’s naked wolf fondling, and Greece’s inexplicable claim to be the “land of the rising sun”. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, and our popular dubstep dance-off, although I am pleased to report that Buddha Jazz Hands is back.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

  • CAPE!
  • Princess Ardala and the Buck Rogers Backing Dancers
  • giant spinning twosome hoop
  • whistling chorus
  • Lyrics: “Your smell on me”
  • glow in the dark violin
  • standing on a giant clock
  • silver disco shorts
  • tuck your shirt in, you scruffy oik!
  • woman wearing a tent
  • glowing garters
  • Misheard lyrics: “massive balls weighing down the people all around”
  • Subtle Message: “WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LIFE?”
  • Lyrics: “I can feel my ship capsizing.”
  • pointless walk to a new microphone
  • holographic self-replicating clone backing dancers
  • POINTING!
  • sparkly fingerless Goth gloves
  • mid-air somersault
  • he’s got wings!
  • giant pink G
  • howling
  • sitting on a sparkly slab
  • Farah Fawcett hair (quite a few)
  • pointless time-wasting pause
  • Lyrics: “The monsters in my head.”
  • Winking
  • panda on her head
  • he’s fallen into his own vortex!
  • inadvisable bandy-legs dance
  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • band in a cage
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • pink ponytail
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • Lyrics: “Beep Beep Beep.”
  • he’s climbing the magic steps
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***
  • COSTUME CHANGE

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

 

Belgium, man. Belgium.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2015

1432067931-8d5806b664d148cd5f0d2df83e8985b0-1038x576It was the best of times, it was the Wurst of times. We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2015 by Austria, the country that gave us The Sound of Music, Mozart, Falco and Hitler. It’s the Year of the Cloak, so dust off those shouting muscles.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s fetish cops and Finland’s awful punks. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. In what is one of the dullest Eurovisions in recent memory, your correspondent has a soft spot for Georgia, and is pleased to see Inga Arshakyan back for Armenia.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

  • CLOAK!
  • Ridiculous shoulders
  • Onstage snogging
  • The Fat Lady Sings
  • Thigh boots
  • Doily on her head
  • Golden boots
  • Hands make a heart
  • POINTING!
  • Looks like she’s got a hairy chest
  • Lyrics: “We’re gonna rubpubpub tonight”
  • Farah Fawcett hair
  • Onstage selfie!
  • What’s she f###ing doing!? (only for Azerbaijan’s dancer)
  • Winking
  • Pointless cartoon character
  • Feathers
  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • Imaginary violin
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • She’s got a light-up dress!
  • Phantom of the Opera masks
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • Walking backwards
  • Accordion!
  • Fingerless gloves
  • Too many drummers!
  • COSTUME CHANGE

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

This year, Australia is sending an entry, although they have failed to send anything suitably Rolf Harris, Aboriginal or Mad Maxy. Poor show, Australia. You’re taking this far too seriously. If you’d sent a blind mutant rock guitarist on the back of a truck with a flamethrower, you might have been in with a chance.

madmax-guitaristApologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

If you are using this I-Spy list this year, please do let me know in the comments so I can see how far it travels.

[Not hard enough for you? This game is also available in Finnish.]

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2014

mother of dragonsAnd we’re back for the game of the year. Prepare the booze, dust off those shouting muscles, and prepare for what the Russian right-wing have called the HOTBED OF SODOM. And that’s before Ukraine gets a massive sympathy vote for, you know, being invaded.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s Mother of Dragons and her prancing beige Unsullied, and Latvia name-dropping Raiders of the Lost Ark while singing a chorus that went “Tepteptep Google Google.” Categories that appear to be resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. I’m not even sure there will be much bimbling this year, what with the Turks out of competition. Meanwhile, Armenia have sent a man dressed like a Death Star tech support officer and Poland have just sent… well, you’ll see.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Jesus in a dress
Teleporting girl
Circular piano
Splits
Winking
One-handed voguing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Drumstick throwing (blink and you’ll miss it)
Giant seesaw full of blondes
Accordion!
GIANT ONSCREEN MOUSTACHE! MOUSTACHE! MOUSTACHE!
Fingerless gloves
Lyrics: “Lalalalalala lalalalalala”
Chase her around the piano!
Trapeze
SCRUBBER! Every time someone is seen doing their laundry
Man-sized Hamster Wheel
WOO-WEE!: every time hamster boy does a 360.
Ballerina on roller blades
Onstage butter churning
Surprise Trampoline
Whistling
Lyrics: “Tonight I’m going to eat you up.”
Kicks the camera
Band inadvertently dressed in the Tellytubby colours
Human letters spell: L-O-V-E.
Hair tied together
Onstage drums
COSTUME CHANGE
ZZ Top on backing vocals
OMG, what’s the one in orange going to do!? Oh, nothing.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2013

montenegroAnd so we go from Baku in 2012, a city where being gay was illegal, to Malmerrr in 2013, where being gay is compulsory. We’ve already had to say goodbye to Montenegro’s rapping astronauts and their pop-up cyborg, as well as Slovenia’s press-up display team dressed as Iron Man, the stage-diving Latvia, Austria’s levitating stalactites, and Kim Newman on lead guitar for Albania. But there are still plenty of euronutters for your entertainment.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Buddha Jazz Hands – a new category in which the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look.

Winking

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

Backflips

DUBSTEP! (two points to the FIRST PERSON to shout DUBSTEP whenever it kicks in; and an extra point to everyone who jumps up and dances to it. That means you, Dad.)

Bimbling*

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

Fingers make a heart (Several times, but blink and you’ll miss them)

Men in skirts

The words: “His name is Jeremy”

Masks

Smallest bouzouki in the world

A sign that reads “FABULOUS DING DONG”

Glow-in-the-dark-trumpet

Ukulele

Wedding Dress

Mullet Dress (short at the front, long at the back)

Biggest mullet dress in the world

Rose petals in a perspex box

Teleporting bridesmaids

Snogging women

Ming the Merciless sings Il Divo

Me and my Shadow

Accordion!

Onstage drums

Giant, light-up balls

Chucking balls into the audience

Singer enters, carried by a giant.

Massive glitterball

Twenty-foot tall woman

Wolverine on Drums

COSTUME CHANGE.

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BONUS SCORING

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler by saying that we’re “holding out for a hero.”

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler’s inevitable defeat as a “total eclipse of the heart.”

1 point every time the UK presenter mispronounces Malmerrr as Malmo.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

[Not hard enough for you? This game is also available in Finnish.]