Back by popular demand, the Eurovision Shouty I-Spy Game.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, more than one “surprise” costume change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
Sadly, this year’s emerging Superhero theme was ruined when everyone who wore a cape failed to make it through the semi-finals. Also not appearing in the final, the comb-tossing Belgian Elvis, a Bulgarian woman being flung around by her stilts and the Serbian Iain Banks in a Ginger Afro.
But in no particular order, in the finals you should look out for:
Disco Doctor Manhattan, the Dancing Gimp
One-eyed flame-shaped glittery masks on sticks
Girls with freaking LASERS coming out of their heads
Cartwheeling stage invasion by a man in a dress
Gladiators Dancing on Cogs
Sudden Double Bongo Surprise
Giant Dolphin Flypast
Singing on a conveyor belt
Accordion! (at least two)
KEY CHANGE! (as usual, there are several)
The Ben Stiller Twins – Backing Dancers
Human Pyramids (constructive gymnastics)
FLAME ON! MY HAND IS ON FIRE!
Drum Kit on Wheels
Sudden Costume Change (at least two)
The Fat Lady Sings (it’s almost over)
The Black Lips Sofa Rodeo
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
Not that anybody cares what I think, but this year my favourite is Armenia, and I have a bit of a soft spot for Estonia and the Ukraine. Bookmakers inexplicably favour Norway, which is little more than Jim Carrey on the violin with the Oslo press-up display team.
This year’s contest is in Moscow, which makes it the easternmost Eurovision ever attempted. This means that it is a full three time zones behind Greenwich Mean Time. The Eurovision Song Contest always starts at 8pm UK time. This means that although it’ll be just after dinner in London, when the concert kicks off in Moscow it’ll be 11pm, so everyone’s going to be absolutely munted.
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time!