All aboard, bonsoir et boa noite, beautiful creatures, for the 2018 Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, coming to you this Saturday from Lisbon, where the organisers have had A YEAR to write jokes that are funny, and make travelogue inserts that don’t make their country look like a school trip to the cork factory. Sadly, this year at the semi-finals we’ve already lost Switzerland’s slutty White Stripes take-off, and the attempt by Belarus to introduce the new sport of rose archery, but there is still plenty of mentalism for the Eurovision-lover or Eurovision-hater to get into. Finland’s gone a little bit Third Reich, Italy’s sent Scott Pilgrim and a man with a sore throat, and Portugal are trying too hard not to win again. But it’s been officially declared too gay for the Chinese, so well done, everybody.Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
Plays imaginary musical instrument The Croydon Facelift Backing Dancers Dracula's piano coffin Fake snow Man wearing a leopard Half Woman, Half Mountain! Einstein a go-go! Mad scientist plays the flute. Mismatched eyes SHOW A LEG! (single leg poking out of costume) Jacket thrown into audience Crowd-surfing guitarist Lyrics: "I'm taking my Pikachu home." Staircase on fire It's the chest slapping dance Man with a backpack Country and western body popping Croydon Facelifters again + Pound-Shop Beyonce Barefoot singer Lyrics: "Pam pam pa hoo, Turram pam pa hoo" Spinning wheel of death Creepy rentboy threatens to "dance you off" The wigglebum dance trio MAN-BUN! Hands make a heart (on or off-stage) Lyrics: "bop-whop-a-lu bop on his wood bamboo" Girl impersonates chicken Shell Suit! Samurai shoulderpads Lyrics: "Scoo-bee-doo-bee bap bap" Tuck your shirt in! WINKING Did she just say "MadaBaka", or...? Waving the white flag COSTUME CHANGE Trust fall (I hope they catch her) Lyrics: "Na na na na na na ne" KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one) Throwing imaginary objects into the audience The music stops! Was that planned? Tormund Giantsbane singing about peace and love Bimbling* ORBITAL CLEAVAGE** Buddha Jazz Hands*** FLAME ON! (every time there's pyrotechnics)
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)
(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)
BONUS SCORING
Cyprus gives Greece 12 points Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Chicken impersonation from foreign judge.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
CLANG! Portuguese host is as funny as a road accident.
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.
The Official Schoolgirl Milky Crisis Blog 