“Veni, Vidi EUROVICCI!” We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by Italy, whose entry last year was a breath of rocking fresh air, but sadly inspired a lot of the lesser countries to send a bunch of crappy garage bands.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to a bunch of those, as well as Latvia’s over-enthusiastic vegans and Albania’s… well, she was a lot. And I was sorry to see Georgia go, as they even brought their own puppets. But there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in a year sure to be over-shadowed by Ukraine getting invaded again.

Ukraine’s entry, in fact, is the favourite to win, even though it wasn’t actually good enough to even win a Song for Ukraine, and only made it through after Alina Pash was disqualified! Our things to look for this year take that into account, as well as the Eurovision loophole that politics are supposedly banned from the venue, but there’s nothing wrong with waving a Ukrainian flag to support their entry… or painting a Ukrainian flag on your hand, or wearing a costume in Ukrainian colours.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

• KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
• Someone dares to actually say: “Veni, Vidi, Eurovicci”)
• “What is the secret of a healthy body?”
• Kite made of lasers.
• Accordion!
• Yellow balloon
• LYRICS: “Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!”
• One White Leg
• It’s the pound-shop Liza Minnelli!
• Face furniture
• French women walk up some steps
• French women walk down some steps
• Wrestler’s belt.
• LYRICS: “Shlabadabbadabba”
• Black Goop
• Broken heart made of lasers! On his face!
• Hand-washing onstage
• Man in a crop top
• Pointing
• LYRICS: “I really like your teeth”
• Plays guitar with a bow
• Hands make a heart
• FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
• WINKING
• COSTUME CHANGE
• Bimbling*
• ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
• Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from live competition owing to a plague scare?

SLAVA UKRAINI – shout it out every time you see a Ukrainian flag, wherever it may be, and whenever someone gives douze pity-points to that terrible song.

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“I will call you Keith.”