“Cha Cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha!” We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by Britain, on account of Ukraine being all invaded and that. Enter our Blue Screen of Death sweepstake by predicting the hour when a vengeful Russian cyber-attack will crash the voting system.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Ireland’s Cameltoe Elvis and a Maltese entry that began at a notional party attended by cardboard cut-outs of previous Maltese entries. And we’ve had to retire our “Slava Ukraini!” bonus round, because you’d shout yourself hoarse and/or drink yourself under the table by the end of the first song if you had to acknowledge every time a Ukrainian flag shows up.

The bookies are backing Sweden’s Loreen, but insiders suggest that the finale will be a Nord-off between Sweden and Finland. Look out, too, for the possibility of a few sympathy votes for Ukraine, even though they have sent a “My Lovely Horse” place-holder, which would mean that the real battle will be for second place.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

• KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
• Braid whips
• Mullet dresses (short at the front, long at the back)
• Accordion!
• Glowing white hand.
• It’s the Leninist Village People!
• LYRICS: “WE ARE NOT YOUR DOLLS.” (every time)
• Human centipede
• Dances like a gibbon
• PINK! Lots of people wearing it this year. Shout at them.
• Foot licking (blink and you’ll miss it)
• Doing the Splits
• “Zut alors!” Brexitland presenter makes a colossal meal out of being able to speak French.
• Human cat’s cradle
• Self-playing piano
• Onstage Missiles
• LYRICS (all together now): “Poe Poe, Poe-Poe-Poe, Poe-Poe, Poe-Poe-Poe”
• Someone wearing clothes made out of mosquito netting (several)
• Swede in a Box
• Finn in a Crate
• Somersault
• LYRICS: Every time someone says “ŠČ”.
• Mohican!
• Drummers drumming with their heads
• Pointing
• Pointy heads
• Dwarf playing a recorder
• Rammstein logo tattooed on someone’s chest
• CLAWS!
• Glowing aircraft traffic direction batons
• FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
• WINKING
• COSTUME CHANGE
• Bimbling*
• ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
• Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from live competition owing to a plague scare?

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

RUSSIAN FLAG: Will someone dare to wave one?

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“Cha Cha-Cha Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha.”