Back by popular demand, the Eurovision Shouty I-Spy Game. Now something of an international fixture, and ruining the neighbours’ evenings, not only in the UK, but in Sweden, Finland and Ireland. Hello to all our new players around the world.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, more than one “surprise” costume change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
With great disappointment, we had to wave bye-bye to Lithuania, the lovely crotch-grabbing, tartan-trousered, costume-changing-to-sparkly-hotpants Lithuania, gone in the semi-final, along with the Dutch and their bonkers barrel organ, and the jug-eared Swiss. But there’s still a great line-up for Saturday’s contest. With aching predictability, your correspondent has a soft spot for Armenia and Azerbaijan, and Greece is sure to get everybody shouting… a lot. For the record, Mrs Clements thinks Belgium will win. Belgium, man. Belgium…
But in no particular order, in the finals you should look out for:
Timmy Mallett on Sax
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Dancing Silver Stig Cylon
Unnecessary Violin! (several)
Bit Too Much Blue Eye Shadow, Love
The Fat Lady Sings
It’s Snowing Indoors!
Man Singing to a Picture
OPA! (every time you hear it)
Self-Harming with a Belt Sander
MULLET DRESS (short at the front, long at the back)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
A dress that lights up.
Ballet Beckham in a Red Tie
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time!