This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is in Ukraine, land of some of the best ever Eurovision mentalists. Sadly this year we’ve already lost Latvia’s disco-goth Sailor Moon and Montenegro’s ponytail whirling spacefarer, but there’s plenty of nutters left for Saturday..

This year is the year of the Man-Bun, with these monstrosities appearing on singers, dancers and band members. We also trial our new SHOW A LEG category, for any moment when someone has a single bare leg poking out their costume. This replaces our usual Mullet Dress category, since too many things that look like a mullet dress from a distance turn out to be miniskirts with bum veils. Yes, we have probably thought about this far too much.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

SHOW A LEG!
The Star Trek Away Team (science, command, security and… orange)
Tap that jug!
Hold my microphone for me
The one-legged hoppy dance
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (several)
Singing in a boat
Conveyor belt dancing
It’s the man in the moon!
WINKING (a lot of winking this year)
COSTUME CHANGE
It’s the Eiffel Tower!
Suddenly shouts “SAMURAI!”
Yodelling
Mask made out of fairy lights
Bouquet throwing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Slapping a pond
Writing on people with chalk
DANCING GORILLA!
Walking on a line he just drew
Onstage cannons
Sign: “Feeling all alone and insecure.”
Big Giant Head
Girl standing in a kaleidoscope (you’ll see three of her)
Xena Warrior Princess voguing in the back (looky likee)
Fat man in half a leather jacket
Glitterboobs (Visible glitter on boobs)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
Man with a horse’s head on top of a stepladder
Woman on a pedestal
Topless man/men
Mask made out of fairy lights
Brushes off imaginary dandruff (got to be quick with this one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

BONUS SCORING

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points
Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Britain scores nul points
Brazilian or Russian flag spotted in the audience.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
Ukrainian hosts compliment themselves on their attractiveness

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

And we’re back for the game of the year. Prepare the booze, dust off those shouting muscles, and prepare for what the Russian right-wing have called the HOTBED OF SODOM. And that’s before Ukraine gets a massive sympathy vote for, you know, being invaded.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s Mother of Dragons and her prancing beige Unsullied, and Latvia name-dropping Raiders of the Lost Ark while singing a chorus that went “Tepteptep Google Google.” Categories that appear to be resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. I’m not even sure there will be much bimbling this year, what with the Turks out of competition. Meanwhile, Armenia have sent a man dressed like a Death Star tech support officer and Poland have just sent… well, you’ll see.

Jesus in a dress
Teleporting girl
Circular piano
Splits
Winking
One-handed voguing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Drumstick throwing (blink and you’ll miss it)
Giant seesaw full of blondes
Accordion!
GIANT ONSCREEN MOUSTACHE! MOUSTACHE! MOUSTACHE!
Fingerless gloves
Lyrics: “Lalalalalala lalalalalala”
Chase her around the piano!
Trapeze
SCRUBBER! Every time someone is seen doing their laundry
Man-sized Hamster Wheel
WOO-WEE!: every time hamster boy does a 360.
Ballerina on roller blades
Onstage butter churning
Surprise Trampoline
Whistling
Lyrics: “Tonight I’m going to eat you up.”
Kicks the camera
Band inadvertently dressed in the Tellytubby colours
Human letters spell: L-O-V-E.
Hair tied together
Onstage drums
COSTUME CHANGE
ZZ Top on backing vocals
OMG, what’s the one in orange going to do!? Oh, nothing.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

And so we go from Baku in 2012, a city where being gay was illegal, to Malmerrr in 2013, where being gay is compulsory. We’ve already had to say goodbye to Montenegro’s rapping astronauts and their pop-up cyborg, as well as Slovenia’s press-up display team dressed as Iron Man, the stage-diving Latvia, Austria’s levitating stalactites, and Kim Newman on lead guitar for Albania. But there are still plenty of euronutters for your entertainment.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Buddha Jazz Hands – a new category in which the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look.

Winking

KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)

Backflips

DUBSTEP! (two points to the FIRST PERSON to shout DUBSTEP whenever it kicks in; and an extra point to everyone who jumps up and dances to it. That means you, Dad.)

Bimbling*

ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**

Fingers make a heart (Several times, but blink and you’ll miss them)

Men in skirts

The words: “His name is Jeremy”

Masks

Smallest bouzouki in the world

A sign that reads “FABULOUS DING DONG”

Glow-in-the-dark-trumpet

Ukulele

Wedding Dress

Mullet Dress (short at the front, long at the back)

Biggest mullet dress in the world

Rose petals in a perspex box

Teleporting bridesmaids

Snogging women

Ming the Merciless sings Il Divo

Me and my Shadow

Accordion!

Onstage drums

Giant, light-up balls

Chucking balls into the audience

Singer enters, carried by a giant.

Massive glitterball

Twenty-foot tall woman

Wolverine on Drums

COSTUME CHANGE.

————————————-

BONUS SCORING

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler by saying that we’re “holding out for a hero.”

5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler’s inevitable defeat as a “total eclipse of the heart.”

1 point every time the UK presenter mispronounces Malmerrr as Malmo.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

[Not hard enough for you? This game is also available in Finnish.]