Hello, Da-Da-Dum, Na-Na-Na, and welcome to the Eurovision Shouty I-Spy Game, back once again by popular demand for this oddly “Eighties”, quifftastic final.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, more than one “surprise” costume change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
With great disappointment we have had to say farewell in the semi-finals to Turkey’s blue-haired caged contortionist, and Armenia’s meaningful BOOM-BOOM CHAKA-CHAKA chorus, performed by a woman who brought her own boxing ring. And Portugal, Portugal how we loved you, as if the Village People had been redesigned by a colour-blind committee of Communists. But they are gone, leaving us with eye-strainingly intense backdrop screens, including, at one point, an EPILEPSY-INDUCING SIXTIES SUPER STROBE RAINBOW EFFECT. And the chance to shout “ACHTUNG! HUMOUR!” every time a joke from the German presenters falls terrifyingly flat.
But in no particular order, in the finals you should look out for:
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Mystic Meg and Her Onstage Sandpit
The Pointy-Headed Beastie Boys… with trumpets
Four body-stocking gimp dancers
Feathered Shoulder Pads
Men Kissing Men
MULLET DRESS (short at the front, long at the back)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
Lock Him In a Box!
World’s Worst Fake Piano Playing
BACK FLIP (several)
Light-up Clothes (several)
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
DRUM KIT (several)
The Biggest Ring in the World (on her finger)
Onstage Magic (conjuring trick)
Singing for the Deaf (Sign Language While Singing)
DRY ICE (several)
Inadvisable Rap (a couple)
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
Bonus item: HORSE’S SADDLE. Blink and you’ll miss it, but it’s there and worth double points.
If there’s any justice, we will be in Moldova next year, but according to the bookies, France is the favourite to win at 6/4. He does have a nice jacket.
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time!