Hello, Woki Mit Deim Popo, and welcome to the Eurovision Shouty I-Spy Game, back for the first-ever final to be held in the immensely gay-friendly town of Baku.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
With great disappointment we have had to say farewell in the semi-finals to Montenegro’s fat rapper and his onstage Trojan horse, as well as the fantastically named Trackshittaz from Austria, with their neon knickers and pole dancing. We shall also miss the chance to shout “SPLITTER!” every time the Finnish entry opens her mouth and sings in Swedish. But that still leaves us with the best/worst Eurovision in years, with a bunch of certified mentalists bringing you the trancey, oddly cyberpunky fun. Occasionally dressed as refugees from Assassin’s Creed.
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
Is it snowing?
Sergeant Pepper’s Epaulettes
One glove (doesn’t make you cool)
Hammer Time (sideways footy shuffle)
“SING WITH ME, MY CHILDREN!”
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Oh no! An Oboe!
Very very small xylophone
Dancing onscreen rubber gimps
Men in skirts playing trumpets!
Muffins for everybody!
Assassin’s Creed on Keyboards
Synchronised Swimming (without water)
Breakdancing on plinths
Fingers make a heart
Hair stuck to her chest
Moonwalk (have to be fast to catch this one)
DRUM-SITTER (she’s sitting on a drum!)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
We include our traditional category of COSTUME CHANGE, just in case someone actually changes costumes, although nobody did in rehearsals.
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion. This is particularly difficult to spot this year, so I’ll give you an extra clue: SHIPBOARD BIMBLING).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
Bonus item: A LITTLE BIT OF POLITICS
A point every time the presenters claim that Azerbaijan is in Europe.
Special bonus points all round if one of the acts decides to self-destruct on the night and inject some sort of live protest. Look out for rainbow flags or badges at the very least.
Are Armenia voting…? If they are, you can be sure someone says something cutting…
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time!
For hard-core players, Shouty I-Spy is now available in Finnish.