And so we go from Baku in 2012, a city where being gay was illegal, to Malmerrr in 2013, where being gay is compulsory. We’ve already had to say goodbye to Montenegro’s rapping astronauts and their pop-up cyborg, as well as Slovenia’s press-up display team dressed as Iron Man, the stage-diving Latvia, Austria’s levitating stalactites, and Kim Newman on lead guitar for Albania. But there are still plenty of euronutters for your entertainment.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
Buddha Jazz Hands – a new category in which the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look.
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
DUBSTEP! (two points to the FIRST PERSON to shout DUBSTEP whenever it kicks in; and an extra point to everyone who jumps up and dances to it. That means you, Dad.)
Fingers make a heart (Several times, but blink and you’ll miss them)
Men in skirts
The words: “His name is Jeremy”
Smallest bouzouki in the world
A sign that reads “FABULOUS DING DONG”
Mullet Dress (short at the front, long at the back)
Biggest mullet dress in the world
Rose petals in a perspex box
Ming the Merciless sings Il Divo
Me and my Shadow
Giant, light-up balls
Chucking balls into the audience
Singer enters, carried by a giant.
Twenty-foot tall woman
Wolverine on Drums
5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler by saying that we’re “holding out for a hero.”
5 points if the UK presenter refers to Bonnie Tyler’s inevitable defeat as a “total eclipse of the heart.”
1 point every time the UK presenter mispronounces Malmerrr as Malmo.
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.
[Not hard enough for you? This game is also available in Finnish.]