Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro (We’re out of our minds, we’re different from them). We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by the Netherlands, who won with Duncan Laurence in 2019 – you remember him, right? It’s hosted by three normal-sized people and A Giant.
We’ve already had to say goodbye to North Macedonia’s glitterball waistcoat, Slovenia’s half-cloak and whatever the hell Australia thought they were doing, but there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in what appears to be a year in which multiple performers have decided to wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care.
The bookies are claiming that it’s all down to a stand-off between Italy (love their bass player, and their drummer’s name is Ethan Torchio) and France (a shouty woman in a basque), but be ready for some outliers – Iceland hoovering up the nerd vote, and several appeals to the woke generation, most notably the Netherlands’ rather sweet anti-colonial my-lovely-horse, featuring Captain Crunk the Crazy Bendy Dancer, who looks on the verge of throwing up.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:
- KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
- E(uro) V(ision) finger-signals (Roop will start it but people will copy)
- Tap-dancing in trainers
- Two giant trumpets
- An unnecessary number of belts
- The Invisible Man backing dancers
- The prancing, dancing pair of glowing ringpieces
- Dalek dress
- Those fateful words “JAJA DINGDONG”
- LYRICS: “Excuse my French.”
- Sitting on a man chair
- Big Golden Ball
- Big Golden Ball with a Snake in it
- The Mondrian Brass Section
- Tix takes his sunglasses off
- Tix puts his sunglasses back on
- Lyrics: “Hear my body talk talk talk”
- “WHO!?” – every time someone says “Duncan Laurence”.
- LYRICS: “Every psycho on the scene…”
- Dancing German Victory V
- Walk like an Egyptian (every time)
- Keyboard Circle!
- Vulcan hand signal (Live Long and Prosper)
- Necklace that says: “ANNOYING”.
- Trinity from The Matrix wearing a dead muppet
- Shoulder dancing
- Liberty Jazz Hand (wiggling fingers at the back of the head in an attempt to imitate the Statue of Liberty)
- Look for the word “JOIN”
- Glitterball leotard
- Holy shit, it’s LORDI!
- Ukulele throwing
- LYRICS: “I really don’t care dat you vant to bash me.”
- Hands make a heart
- Red middle finger
- FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
- COSTUME CHANGE
- ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
- Buddha Jazz Hands***
Our optional bonus categories are:
COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from competition owing to a plague scare?
THE PALESTINIAN PROTEST SWEEPSTAKE – can you guess the time of the inevitable Palestinian protest? It could be a flag, it could be a speech, it could be a stage invasion, but you know someone’s going to try it on.
HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?
Denmark awards 12 points to Italy, whose band has a Danish bass player and a Danish name / Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)
(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)
“Your rhythm is rebellion.”