It’s 2026, the year of pointy shoulders, the year of a man painted silver, standing inside a Darth Vader silhouette, singing that he wants more. The year in which Britain sings in German, and in which hosts Austria’s “My Lovely Horse” entry to avoid winning again includes a man with a blue star on his face, and people with animal heads. And in which Finland is the bookies’ favourite, because they’ve got a blonde playing the violin and a man singing inside a burning sauna.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom, and there are quite a few to look for in the background video, too.

• Golden glittery piano
• Sudden angel wings
• Starting upside down
• Number 373 (it’s an area code)
• FLAME ON! (every time there’s flames)
• Giant opera singer
• Glowing white spaghetti
• Singing in a face mask
• KEY CHANGE!
• Hands make a heart
• SWORD!
• The slowmo backing dancers
• COSTUME CHANGE
• Lyrics: “You’re in my head, my heart, my body part.”
• Neon gazebo
• Scooter!
• The Matrix backing dancers
• Hands through the stage!
• Onstage knitting
• Singing to a pocket watch
• Danes in a box
• Greek statue comes to life
• Fireman’s pole
• Singing inside a giant gemstone
• Backflip
• Suddenly she’s wearing shades
• WINKING!
• A white witch hovering off the ground
• Chair dancing
• Imaginary bouzouki solo
• Onstage Bacofoil box
• One Thigh-high
• Bimbling*
• Orbital cleavage**
• Buddha Jazz Hands***

Someone says “Jaja Dingdong!” — An oldie but a goodie, liable to crop up during the voting.

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Let the bangaranga begin.