This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is in Ukraine, land of some of the best ever Eurovision mentalists. Sadly this year we’ve already lost Latvia’s disco-goth Sailor Moon and Montenegro’s ponytail whirling spacefarer, but there’s plenty of nutters left for Saturday..
This year is the year of the Man-Bun, with these monstrosities appearing on singers, dancers and band members. We also trial our new SHOW A LEG category, for any moment when someone has a single bare leg poking out their costume. This replaces our usual Mullet Dress category, since too many things that look like a mullet dress from a distance turn out to be miniskirts with bum veils. Yes, we have probably thought about this far too much.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
SHOW A LEG! The Star Trek Away Team (science, command, security and… orange) Tap that jug! Hold my microphone for me The one-legged hoppy dance MAN-BUN! Hands make a heart (several) Singing in a boat Conveyor belt dancing It’s the man in the moon! WINKING (a lot of winking this year) COSTUME CHANGE It’s the Eiffel Tower! Suddenly shouts “SAMURAI!” Yodelling Mask made out of fairy lights Bouquet throwing KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one) Slapping a pond Writing on people with chalk DANCING GORILLA! Walking on a line he just drew Onstage cannons Sign: “Feeling all alone and insecure.” Big Giant Head Girl standing in a kaleidoscope (you’ll see three of her) Xena Warrior Princess voguing in the back (looky likee) Fat man in half a leather jacket Glitterboobs (Visible glitter on boobs) FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics) Man with a horse’s head on top of a stepladder Woman on a pedestal Topless man/men Mask made out of fairy lights Brushes off imaginary dandruff (got to be quick with this one) Bimbling* ORBITAL CLEAVAGE** Buddha Jazz Hands***
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)
(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)
Cyprus gives Greece 12 points
Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Britain scores nul points
Brazilian or Russian flag spotted in the audience.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
Ukrainian hosts compliment themselves on their attractiveness
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.