In 886, during the last days of the Tang dynasty, the poet Wei Zhuang dropped in on Nanjing, once a great capital, now a forgotten backwater, its walls in disrepair, and its canals choked with weeds. He wrote:

Drizzle on the river, and the reeds grow high / The Six Dynasties are but a dream, and the birds call in the sky / Cares not the willow by the walls / Ten leagues around in the smoky mist.

Nanjing has improved a lot in the sun. The remains of the walls still bracket a sizeable chunk of Xuanwu Lake, just to the north of the old city, and are dotted with Ming- and Qing-era cannons poking from the crenellations. The park is nice with autumn trees and the Jiming temple looms above outside the city walls. So we ought to get some nice shots that make Nanjing look less like an urban jungle in the rain, and more like a pleasant bit of park life. The Propaganda Bureau should be pleased, as well they should be when the woman who mans the gate to the city walls insists on taking a photograph of us filming the sign so she can send it to her boss.

We put on the most ridiculous charade of setting up a shot by the sign, with me not bothering to take off my sunglasses, Mickey the sound man not bothering to boom, and Eric the cameraman not even starting the camera.

“Are we rolling?” calls the director.

“Nope!” says Eric, with a thumbs-up.

“Action!”

“I’m standing here next to a sign,” I say earnestly, “while a woman in a mustard yellow puffa jacket films me with her phone.”

“And cut!”

Michelle rushes in with her clapperboard and brightly says: “Waste of Time Fake Thing, Take One!”

We lurk around the walls for a while, which are picturesque but thick with flies, and then head off to the Longjiang Shipyard Ruins.

The layout will be familiar to anyone who has been to London Docklands. Three long strips of water, each the size of an airport runway, run in parallel through what is now billed as a park. But this park was the site of the Ming-era shipyards where the Treasure Fleet was built, and from where it set sail, down the Yangtze and as far as Africa. The lakes are all that remains of docks four, five and six. One, two and three, of similar size, are buried somewhere under the nearby housing estate.

Everybody knows the story of Zheng He, or at least thinks they know: the boy captured at the fall of Yuan-era Yunnan, castrated and shipped off to Beijing aged ten as a slave to the Yongle Emperor. Originally named Ma, short for Mohammed, for he was a Muslim, he was renamed Zheng in honour of his spirited defence of the Zhengcunba reservoir during the dastardly Yongle’s grab for power. Eventually put in charge of the Treasure Fleet, he set sail for the south and the west in 1405 on the first of what would become seven voyages, designed to tell all the natives in far-flung kingdoms just how awesome China was. When he came home, he turned up with a giraffe, so everybody was happy. Just for kicks, I pace out the rudder in the museum, which is 14 metres long, with a flappy bit that comprises the bottom six metres. The people from Propaganda, ever willing to say no to everything, have told us that we can film in the dockyards but that we can’t film the replica ship at one end of it, because it might be moved by the time our film broadcasts. Or it might not.

Suspicious, I pace out the length of the ship and find it to be 73 metres – a perfectly reasonable size for a Chinese trading galleon, but nothing like the aircraft-carrier sized behemoths claimed by some of the world’s more breathless popular historians. The shipyards are very long indeed, but even the artists’ impressions in the nearby museum show several ships being built at once in any single dock. They were not, and never were intended to hold single giant galleons. If they were, there would not have been enough turning space to get them out of the gate and into the Qinhuai River to sail down to the Yangtze and out to sea.

Jonathan Clements is the author of The Emperor’s Feast: A History of China in Twelve Meals. These events featured in Route Awakening S05E06 (2019).

After successfully chasing the Mongols out of China, the first emperor of the Ming dynasty, Hongwu, tried to erase his humble, rebellious origins by aspiring to be the perfect ruler. And the perfect emperor needed an ideal capital, so he planned one out in Nanjing. The Nanjing Museum is set in the grounds of his palace, a Forbidden City manqué climbing up the side of a hill with a view of the city walls. And since it’s Monday and the museum is closed to the public, we have it to ourselves except for the fidgeting security guards, and a man from the propaganda office, who is putting a brave face on the fact that he is incredibly bored.

Nanjing’s history goes back to the Stone Age, although the museum concentrates on those moments in Chinese history when it was a capital. When the Han dynasty fell in 220 AD, China spent 350 years in a state of disunity, and Zhuge Liang, a ministerial adviser to one of the upstart kingdoms, recommended Nanjing as the ideal location for capital. It had, he said, mountains around it like a crouching tiger and a coiling dragon, and the river Yangtze acted as a natural moat. When northern China fell to barbarian invaders, the nomads couldn’t make it south of the Yangtze, turning Nanjing into a bastion of old culture and a guardian of Chinese heritage.

I have to do pieces to camera in front of the museum’s various displays – Nanjing has been a sort of capital of China for several cumulative centuries, but for most of those times, it was in one of the squib dynasties of the Dark Ages, when it was only really the capital not of an empire, but of a glorified kingdom in the lower Yangtze area. When even educated foreigners are unlikely to be able to name half a dozen major Chinese dynasties, it is tough to run through the likes of the Liu Song, the Chen and the Southern Qi, none of which lasted for more than a few decades, but all of which were centred on Nanjing, quite probably the greatest city in the world at the time. I pick a giant stone pixiu, a chimera-like mythological beast from the squib emperors’ tombs, as a means of pointing out that they achieved some big things and had an enduring culture, even if the family at the top switched around a few times.

I am actually a huge fan of the Six Dynasties — I love it as one of those neglected periods in Chinese histories, and I am a sad enough Six Dynasties nerd that I could indeed be found on the day of the release of the Cambridge History of China: Six Dynasties, waiting outside the Cambridge University Press bookshop for it to open. Good job, too, because they only had one copy in stock of their new £115 monster, so I got in there ahead of the rush.

We point the camera at ceramic, open-mouthed rhinos, made as bespoke piss-pots for Six Dynasties emperors, as well as fragments of Nanjing’s famous Porcelain Tower, a diorama of the old Yuecheng (Fortress of the Viet) built on the future site of Nanjing by the king of Wu to watch over the conquered 5th century BC kingdom of Yue. The security guards lurk glumly, ordered to be on their feet whenever we are around, and hence forced to be on their feet all day.

A bunch of them sit around in their office smoking fags, leading to the fantastically Chinese moment when their closed circuit TV monitors show our director lighting up behind the toilets in the park, and they rush out to tell her that the whole facility is Non-Smoking. Except, apparently, their office, which has so much smoke billowing out of it that you would be forgiven for thinking it was on fire.

The curator Wu Tian starts off a little timid and unsure of himself. But we get him to show us some of his favourite pieces in the museum, and he starts talking with true passion and excitement about truly weird items. One is a bit of road with ruts worn by four hundred years of ox-carts. Another looks like a mini bedpan, but turns out to be a Six Dynasties iron for smoothing clothes flat. Another looks like half a toilet seat on legs, but is instead a sort of arm rest for people on divans in a culture that has yet to invent the chair.

“I suppose not,” I wonder aloud, “because after all, the chair is a Song-dynasty innovation.”

Mr Wu stands bolt upright, as if poked with a cattle prod. Not for the first time on this shoot, the fact that I am not only listening, but can say something relevant in Chinese makes his eyes stick out on stalks, and suddenly he is twice as animated and excited. The interview goes swimmingly well, since he has worked out that I am not some fat white sock puppet, but an actual historian who knows his Han from his Ming. So he chats excitedly about Dark Age hairstyles and roof tiles, and saves the best till last.

“Now this, he says, “is my favourite. We found it smashed into a hundred pieces in a Nanjing grave, and we put it back together. It’s a glass cup, from a time when China didn’t have any glass blowers. We think it came from the Eastern Roman Empire, by sea, and ended up in Guangzhou, from where it made its way north to Nanjing as some sort of curio to impress visitors. The grave was a wealthy merchant’s, but this isn’t the only Roman glass we’ve found in Nanjing. It’s actually the twelfth.”

Camera A on the interviewee, B-roll on the interviewer, me interjecting with actual questions that make it clear we are not some bored school party fubbing with our phones, but a bunch of people who have come to Nanjing specifically to talk about the Six Dynasties, the squib dynasties that everybody usually ignores. Mr Wu is very pleased, and thanks us profusely for actually knowing what he is talking about. I get the feeling it’s a rare occurrence.

Jonathan Clements is the author of A Brief History of China. These events appear in Route Awakening S05E06 (2019).

Frances has egg in her pants. It turns out that the one our producer took from the pile near the toaster in the hotel was not hard-boiled at all, a fact she only realised when she put it in her pocket and then accidentally sat on it 20 minutes later. She’s washed her clothes in a bucket and is hanging them out to dry in the van. Now we look like a proper Chinese film crew, with laundry drying on the equipment.

Today we are in Linyi, a town I have never heard of, where there is apparently a standing film set. I was looking forward to doing a walking shot in a traditional Chinese town, only to walk around a corner to reveal that all the buildings are two-dimensional flats, and to reveal the whole crew standing there with their boom mikes and fags. But we have been warned that the film set is infested with professional spanners, who make it their life’s work to wander into shot and then demand reimbursement to leave. So instead we are sticking to the main plan, which is to film Luqin opera.

None of us are all that clear about what Luqin opera is. It is something specific to Shandong, but nobody was sober enough last night to Google it. Liu Lili is the perky actress who will explain it all to us, but she doesn’t have a whole lot to say about it, and any goodwill is soon squandered by the crew. I ask her if she has any experience with filming rather than stage acting, and she claims to know the score, but she becomes plainly frustrated when her 90-minute make-up regime is constantly interrupted by lighting changes and backtracks. Nor is she all that keen on putting make-up on me, for that is the sort of job they give to the interns, not the star of the show.

Her dresser arrives at 11 in the morning, striding into the backstage area and asking: “Have you finished yet?” We have barely started, and Miss Liu is already in a strop. I try to draw her out about the pieces of hair she sets on her head, her adornments and her make-up, but she has already retreated into snappy monosyllables.

There has been a distinct lack of communication all round. The theatre band arrives ready to play along with Wedding at a Funeral, only to discover that she plans to sing an aria from Meeting My Mother-in-Law. So we have to resort to her miming to a backing track of her own voice as she jauntily rides an imaginary donkey to the tune of an off-key rendition of Knees Up Mother Brown. Then she stuffs me into a bright scarlet scholar’s robe, gets the lippy girl to put on almost all of my make-up, and deigns to be on camera for ten seconds at the end putting the finishing touches to my rouge.

Filming in theatres always seems to go wrong. I blame the clash of two entirely different production regimes in a confined space. The opera troupe have just got back yesterday from a four-province tour, and they are all exhausted. I ask Miss Liu if provincial audiences are well behaved, hoping to hear a diatribe about twats with mobiles, but all I get is an affirmative grunt.

She gives me a line to sing: “Young lady / Thank you for your hospitality / Tiying is a gentleman / Please give him your consent” or something like that. I am able to memorise the line itself and the tune very fast, but once the band get involved there is a whole set of alien meters and pauses that interfere. Sometimes a line begins on the beat. Sometimes it begins half a beat behind it, seemingly at random. The band’s job in Chinese opera is to follow the singers, not the other way around, so a gaggle of musicians with pained expressions struggle to work out where I am going with my lyrics. I keep my eyes fixed on the lady who smacks the little harpy thing with hammers, because she is mouthing along with the words, and I can take a few cues from her.

It’s enough. We get something in the can, which we can stretch with a sarcastic voice-over. I am fighting impossible conditions, done up like Julian Clary in a pair of bathroom curtains, wailing what appears to be two different tunes at once, in Chinese, while two cameramen circle around me and a bunch of musicians make a noise like a piano falling down some stairs.

We chat to the band and Miss Liu introduces the musicians, including the man who plays the Luqin, a supposedly unique instrument in Shandong that looks like a cross between a lute and a mandolin. He hands it to me to twang, and I say to the camera. “I can’t actually play any instruments. You might as well give a computer to a monkey.”

And cut. That’s my last shot of the production. Although the crew are filming tomorrow morning at the Jinan fish market, I am done. Tomorrow, I can put on a clean, non-continuity shirt for the first time in two weeks, and wait for the evening train to Beijing.

There is no soap in the bathroom. I get as much of the make-up off as I can, but it’s difficult around the eyes.

“You’re less Julian Clary now,” says the director. “More Gary Numan.”

Jonathan Clements is the author of Confucius: A Biography. These events occurred during the filming of Shandong: Land of Confucius (2018).