Godspeed, you funky Belgians! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2016 by Sweden, the country that never fails to be insufferably smug about winning all the time. And this year, it’s being broadcast in the USA: let’s see Trump put a wall around that.
We’ve already had to say goodbye to Bosnia-Hercegovina’s bacofoil cellist, Moldova’s break-dancing astronaut, Belarus’s naked wolf fondling, and Greece’s inexplicable claim to be the “land of the rising sun”. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, and our popular dubstep dance-off, although I am pleased to report that Buddha Jazz Hands is back.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
- Princess Ardala and the Buck Rogers Backing Dancers
- giant spinning twosome hoop
- whistling chorus
- Lyrics: “Your smell on me”
- glow in the dark violin
- standing on a giant clock
- silver disco shorts
- tuck your shirt in, you scruffy oik!
- woman wearing a tent
- glowing garters
- Misheard lyrics: “massive balls weighing down the people all around”
- Subtle Message: “WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LIFE?”
- Lyrics: “I can feel my ship capsizing.”
- pointless walk to a new microphone
- holographic self-replicating clone backing dancers
- sparkly fingerless Goth gloves
- mid-air somersault
- he’s got wings!
- giant pink G
- sitting on a sparkly slab
- Farah Fawcett hair (quite a few)
- pointless time-wasting pause
- Lyrics: “The monsters in my head.”
- panda on her head
- he’s fallen into his own vortex!
- inadvisable bandy-legs dance
- KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
- band in a cage
- ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
- pink ponytail
- FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
- Lyrics: “Beep Beep Beep.”
- he’s climbing the magic steps
- Buddha Jazz Hands***
- COSTUME CHANGE
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)
(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.
Belgium, man. Belgium.