It was the best of times, it was the Wurst of times. We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2015 by Austria, the country that gave us The Sound of Music, Mozart, Falco and Hitler. It’s the Year of the Cloak, so dust off those shouting muscles.
We’ve already had to say goodbye to Moldova’s fetish cops and Finland’s awful punks. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, our popular dubstep dance-off, and the much-missed Buddha Jazz Hands. In what is one of the dullest Eurovisions in recent memory, your correspondent has a soft spot for Georgia, and is pleased to see Inga Arshakyan back for Armenia.
Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!
In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:
- Ridiculous shoulders
- Onstage snogging
- The Fat Lady Sings
- Thigh boots
- Doily on her head
- Golden boots
- Hands make a heart
- Looks like she’s got a hairy chest
- Lyrics: “We’re gonna rubpubpub tonight”
- Farah Fawcett hair
- What’s she f###ing doing!? (only for Azerbaijan’s dancer)
- Pointless cartoon character
- KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
- Imaginary violin
- ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
- She’s got a light-up dress!
- Phantom of the Opera masks
- Walking backwards
- Fingerless gloves
- Too many drummers!
- COSTUME CHANGE
(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).
This year, Australia is sending an entry, although they have failed to send anything suitably Rolf Harris, Aboriginal or Mad Maxy. Poor show, Australia. You’re taking this far too seriously. If you’d sent a blind mutant rock guitarist on the back of a truck with a flamethrower, you might have been in with a chance.
Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.
If you are using this I-Spy list this year, please do let me know in the comments so I can see how far it travels.