Tag Archives: Eurovision

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2025

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“Yksi, kaksi, kolme, SAUNA!” And we’re in Switzerland, the “Home of Eurovision” for this year’s festival of nutcases. We’ve already lost Belgium’s Red Sebastian, a man who at one point appeared to be straddling himself, and Azerbaijan’s unexpected falsetto beneath the Eye of Sauron. We’ve also lost singular words from Malta’s entry, after broadcasters for whom Eurovision goes out pre-watershed objected to her risqué use of the word “kant.” This being Eurovision, the audience is going to shout it out anyway wherever it should appear, so be ready for that.

This year there are a lot of pop-up violins, not all of them actually played, but waved around. Sweden is the bookies’ favourite, with a quirky song about saunas, sung by three Finns. Sweden is so smug about their chances of winning this year that their various city councils are already arguing about who should host the 2026 competition. Malmö doesn’t want it again, because of all the extra costs of policing those anti-Israel demonstrations. One thing is certain, if “Bara bada bastu” does perform as expected, then the newspapers in Helsinki on Sunday morning are going to say “FINNS WIN EUROVISION” (and Sweden has to pay for it…).

Switzerland was the site of the first ever Eurovision Song Contest in 1956, so you can expect the presenters to crow about that at least half a dozen times: shout it out every time they say “Home of Eurovision.”

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom, and there are quite a few to look for in the background video, too.

  • She says “Serving”; you say “Kant!”
  • glittery eyes
  • onstage boat (this happens twice!)
  • flying paper boat
  • one violin
  • two violins!
  • three violins!!!
  • mouth glitterball
  • big sausage
  • KEY CHANGE!
  • Costume change
  • giant golden microphone
  • SPLITS!
  • singing in a sandpit
  • She’s brought her own dragon!
  • Look for the word: ZARGO
  • onstage woodwork
  • man in a mask
  • David makes a face
  • He’s upside down!
  • hands make a heart
  • wiggle dance
  • walking on humans
  • digital birds
  • lots of beans
  • they’ve all got tails!
  • lumberjacks
  • topless man
  • Dangle singing
  • pearl necklace
  • pointy shoulders
  • skirt made of dancers
  • LOOKALIKEY: Alan Davies on guitar
  • drummer’s heart train
  • he’s running on his own travelator
  • birch microphones
  • very long piano
  • onstage swimming
  • rotating monoliths
  • THREE! GOLDEN! RINGS!
  • mirror heart
  • Winking
  • Bimbling*
    ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
    Buddha Jazz Hands***

Someone says “Jaja Dingdong!” — An oldie but a goodie, liable to crop up during the voting.

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to

Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“What the hell just happened…?”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2024

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Hello, Bonsoir, and Rim Tim Tagi Dim. Well, I’ve sold my cow in preparation for Eurovisiontide — greetings to our many readers from Vancouver to Helsinki, ready for another round of the greatest event on the planet. This year it’s being held in Malmerrr, where the host country is sure to crow relentlessly about Abba’s 1974 win with “Waterloo”. Abba themselves, however, are trying to enjoy a graceful retirement, so there will be points every time someone mentions them, or some fragment of the group reluctantly shambles onscreen. Shout ABBA! once for each visible member, every time they show up, and FAKE ABBA every time someone dresses up as them.

We’ve already lost Australia, who finally showed up with their own didgeridoo, as well as Belgium’s doom-laden “Before the Party’s Over.” Belgium, man. Belgium. The bookies favour Switzerland with its transgender message and peach miniskirt, but there’s every indication that there is huge popular support for my own favourite, Croatia’s Baby Lasagna with “Rim Tim Tagi Dim”, a catchy song with a dance that even an idiot could do, about the experience of leaving home and going to the big city.

Audience reaction at the semis would suggest that it’s between Croatia and Netherlands [Time Travel Footnote: since disqualified] with their trying-too-hard “Europapa”, with a lot of love for Spain. But there is everything to play for in the voting rounds, as well as the usual prospect of pity points for Ukraine. There’s also liable to be a tussle over Israel, with literally everybody voting purely on politics, so they might as well have sent three minutes of white noise for all the difference it will make to their score.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE!
  • COSTUME CHANGE!
  • “Let us prance”
    “I sold my cow”
    Big white box over her head
  • Towering blue entryway
  • “LET’S COME TOGETHER!”
  • “CROWN THE WITCH!”
  • People who’ve brought their own rock to sit on
  • People who’ve brought their own hill to climb
    Onstage washboard (blink and you’ll miss it)
    Nose furniture
    “OUT THE WAY!” every time something coincidentally obscures Windows 95 Man’s genitals.
    Dancing on the Ceiling
  • Irish girl in a pentagram
  • SPLITS!
  • Face smeared across a crucifix
  • Actual onstage bin fire
  • Topless Spaniards in actual basques
  • Pointy shoulder pads
  • Pauldron (a single piece of shoulder armour. Impress your friends by knowing that)
  • Singer through the keyhole
  • Busby Berkley overhead dance with Giant Hands
  • Lookalikey Andrew Tate rapping for Estonia
  • Lookalikey Alexei Sayle rapping for Estonia
  • Swiss upskirt
  • Actually Giant Hands! Several times.
  • Giant Bluebird on keyboards
  • IT’S ABBA!
    FAKE ABBA!
    Very Big Braids
    Giant Leopards
    Shoulder dancing
  • STEADY ON! Every time Olly Alexander’s dancers appear to be actually bumming each other.
  • Pointing
    Hands make a heart
    FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
    WINKING
    COSTUME CHANGE
    Bimbling*
    ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
    Buddha Jazz Hands***

Someone says “Jaja Dingdong!” — An oldie but a goodie, liable to crop up during the voting.

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

We would have included a Sound of SIlence category but apparently the organisers have cued up canned applause ready to play over Israel’s big finish in case nobody makes any noise at all. They are, however, likely to have the opposite problem, as Thursday’s semifinal was compromised not only by a protest on the Bridge that links Denmark to Sweden, thereby delaying many of the audience, but also boos and heckles as Israel’s entrant took to the stage. Eurovision is no stranger to Palestinian protests (and indeed, people trying to get Israel off the stage, or even pretending they aren’t competing) — long term fans may remember that Iceland was fined in 2019 for a mid-voting unfurling of a Palestine banner, and that the same contest saw Madonna rebuked for getting her dancers to sport Palestinian and Israeli flags. Sweden’s Eric Saade, who is of Palestinian ancestry, was reprimanded for wearing a keffiyeh during his semifinal performance this week.

Ireland’s Bambie Thug smuggled in “Ceasefire” and “Free Palestine” written on their face and legs in ancient Ogham script, but someone spotted this and made them take it off. So get ready to award bonus points for every Palestinian flag (they are banned in the arena but someone’s sure to smuggle one in), shout of “free Palestine” or conspicuous boo…. It would not surprise me if there is an attempted stage invasion. Finland’s jokey inclusion of a faked producer running on stage to argue with the singer about “rules” might get a real-life counterpart somewhere during Eden Golan’s performance.

Israel’s own entry was only allowed in after careful redacting of its original title, “October Rain” and lyrics alluding to last year’s Hamas attack. Eurovision is supposedly free of politics. But as well all know, it’s all about politics. And glitter. And orbitals. And an Armenian woman with a cock in her hands.

On another note, I am mildly suspicious that this year’s contest marks the first occasion when a number of entries are competing not with humans, but with AI that has been fed samples of previous hits. There’s a certain sameyness not only to some of the songs, but also some of the choreography and design choices that makes me thing we might be watching a contest not between the usual suspects, but between a handful of prompters on Chat GPT. See what you think. Host country Sweden’s “My Lovely Horse” (the entry designed to not-win with honour) features two yoofs dancing in a self-made tunnel, but it left me with the feeling that someone had typed a series of prompts based on Eric Saade’s “Popular” — pretty Nordic men / wiggly dance / unnecessary spatial restrictions / and a song title that wags will suggest is the exact opposite of the song’s effect = “Unforgettable.”

Spain’s drummer is welcome to drop by for a cup of tea.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2023

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“Cha Cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha!” We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by Britain, on account of Ukraine being all invaded and that. Enter our Blue Screen of Death sweepstake by predicting the hour when a vengeful Russian cyber-attack will crash the voting system.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Ireland’s Cameltoe Elvis and a Maltese entry that began at a notional party attended by cardboard cut-outs of previous Maltese entries. And we’ve had to retire our “Slava Ukraini!” bonus round, because you’d shout yourself hoarse and/or drink yourself under the table by the end of the first song if you had to acknowledge every time a Ukrainian flag shows up.

The bookies are backing Sweden’s Loreen, but insiders suggest that the finale will be a Nord-off between Sweden and Finland. Look out, too, for the possibility of a few sympathy votes for Ukraine, even though they have sent a “My Lovely Horse” place-holder, which would mean that the real battle will be for second place.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • Braid whips
  • Mullet dresses (short at the front, long at the back)
  • Accordion!
  • Glowing white hand.
  • It’s the Leninist Village People!
  • LYRICS: “WE ARE NOT YOUR DOLLS.” (every time)
  • Human centipede
  • Dances like a gibbon
  • PINK! Lots of people wearing it this year. Shout at them.
  • Foot licking (blink and you’ll miss it)
  • Doing the Splits
  • “Zut alors!” Brexitland presenter makes a colossal meal out of being able to speak French.
  • Human cat’s cradle
  • Self-playing piano
  • Onstage Missiles
  • LYRICS (all together now): “Poe Poe, Poe-Poe-Poe, Poe-Poe, Poe-Poe-Poe”
  • Someone wearing clothes made out of mosquito netting (several)
  • Swede in a Box
  • Finn in a Crate
  • Somersault
  • LYRICS: Every time someone says “ŠČ”.
  • Mohican!
  • Drummers drumming with their heads
  • Pointing
  • Pointy heads
  • Dwarf playing a recorder
  • Rammstein logo tattooed on someone’s chest
  • CLAWS!
  • Glowing aircraft traffic direction batons
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • WINKING
  • COSTUME CHANGE
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from live competition owing to a plague scare?

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

RUSSIAN FLAG: Will someone dare to wave one?

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“Cha Cha-Cha Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2022

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“Veni, Vidi EUROVICCI!” We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by Italy, whose entry last year was a breath of rocking fresh air, but sadly inspired a lot of the lesser countries to send a bunch of crappy garage bands.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to a bunch of those, as well as Latvia’s over-enthusiastic vegans and Albania’s… well, she was a lot. And I was sorry to see Georgia go, as they even brought their own puppets. But there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in a year sure to be over-shadowed by Ukraine getting invaded again.

Ukraine’s entry, in fact, is the favourite to win, even though it wasn’t actually good enough to even win a Song for Ukraine, and only made it through after Alina Pash was disqualified! Our things to look for this year take that into account, as well as the Eurovision loophole that politics are supposedly banned from the venue, but there’s nothing wrong with waving a Ukrainian flag to support their entry… or painting a Ukrainian flag on your hand, or wearing a costume in Ukrainian colours.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • Someone dares to actually say: “Veni, Vidi, Eurovicci”)
  • “What is the secret of a healthy body?”
  • Kite made of lasers.
  • Accordion!
  • Yellow balloon
  • LYRICS: “Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!”
  • One White Leg
  • It’s the pound-shop Liza Minnelli!
  • Face furniture
  • French women walk up some steps
  • French women walk down some steps
  • Wrestler’s belt.
  • LYRICS: “Shlabadabbadabba”
  • Black Goop
  • Broken heart made of lasers! On his face!
  • Hand-washing onstage
  • Man in a crop top
  • Pointing
  • LYRICS: “I really like your teeth”
  • Plays guitar with a bow
  • Hands make a heart
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • WINKING
  • COSTUME CHANGE
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from live competition owing to a plague scare?

SLAVA UKRAINI – shout it out every time you see a Ukrainian flag, wherever it may be, and whenever someone gives douze pity-points to that terrible song.

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“I will call you Keith.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2021

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Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro (We’re out of our minds, we’re different from them). We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this time by the Netherlands, who won with Duncan Laurence in 2019 – you remember him, right? It’s hosted by three normal-sized people and A Giant.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to North Macedonia’s glitterball waistcoat, Slovenia’s half-cloak and whatever the hell Australia thought they were doing, but there are still plenty of mentalists remaining, in what appears to be a year in which multiple performers have decided to wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

The bookies are claiming that it’s all down to a stand-off between Italy (love their bass player, and their drummer’s name is Ethan Torchio) and France (a shouty woman in a basque), but be ready for some outliers – Iceland hoovering up the nerd vote, and several appeals to the woke generation, most notably the Netherlands’ rather sweet anti-colonial my-lovely-horse, featuring Captain Crunk the Crazy Bendy Dancer, who looks on the verge of throwing up.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights and sounds will occur during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you spot them first? Remember to shout it out. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT! Points can be scored all through the contest, on and off stage, including during the voting and in the greenroom.

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should be ready for:

  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • E(uro) V(ision) finger-signals (Roop will start it but people will copy)
  • Tap-dancing in trainers
  • Two giant trumpets
  • An unnecessary number of belts
  • The Invisible Man backing dancers
  • The prancing, dancing pair of glowing ringpieces
  • Dalek dress
  • Those fateful words “JAJA DINGDONG”
  • LYRICS: “Excuse my French.”
  • Sitting on a man chair
  • Big Golden Ball
  • Big Golden Ball with a Snake in it
  • The Mondrian Brass Section
  • Tix takes his sunglasses off
  • Tix puts his sunglasses back on
  • Lyrics: “Hear my body talk talk talk”
  • “WHO!?” – every time someone says “Duncan Laurence”.
  • LYRICS: “Every psycho on the scene…”
  • Dancing German Victory V
  • Walk like an Egyptian (every time)
  • Keyboard Circle!
  • Vulcan hand signal (Live Long and Prosper)
  • Necklace that says: “ANNOYING”.
  • Trinity from The Matrix wearing a dead muppet
  • Shoulder dancing
  • Liberty Jazz Hand (wiggling fingers at the back of the head in an attempt to imitate the Statue of Liberty)
  • Eclipse!
  • Look for the word “JOIN”
  • Glitterball leotard
  • Holy shit, it’s LORDI!
  • Ukulele throwing
  • Pointing
  • LYRICS: “I really don’t care dat you vant to bash me.”
  • Hands make a heart
  • Red middle finger
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • WINKING
  • COSTUME CHANGE
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***

Our optional bonus categories are:

COVID BINGO – which entry will be suddenly withdrawn from competition owing to a plague scare?

THE PALESTINIAN PROTEST SWEEPSTAKE – can you guess the time of the inevitable Palestinian protest? It could be a flag, it could be a speech, it could be a stage invasion, but you know someone’s going to try it on.

HOLA OLA! Surprise sighting of former supervisor Jon-Ola Sand. Can he really stay away?

Denmark awards 12 points to Italy, whose band has a Danish bass player and a Danish name / Greece awards 12 points to Cyprus / Cyprus awards 12 points to Greece / Former Yugoslavian Republic awards 12 points to Former Yugoslavian Republic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

“Your rhythm is rebellion.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2020

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Since there is no Eurovision this year, there is also no Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, but that doesn’t mean that your correspondent hasn’t been enjoying the usual surfeit of mentalism among the entries that would have competed. If you ask me, and you didn’t, but if you did, Efendi’s Cleopatra (lost I-spy opportunities STEALTH BUDDHIST CHANTING) was my pick for third place, with Athena Manoukian’s Chains on You (lost I-spy opportunities: “HURT ME!”) would have been a shoe-in for second runner-up. But despite all you online pundits in love with Iceland’s dork-off, my pick for the top would have to be Little Big’s fantastic Uno.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2019

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Dare to Dream! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted this year by Israel, a country which won last year with a chicken dance in a kimono. The Netherlands is inexplicably the bookies’ favourite, but audience appreciation for Malta, Switzerland and Norway are all off the charts, and North Macedonia’s entry will be popular with anyone who can’t remember Rise Like a Phoenix. We’ve already had to say goodbye to Austria’s blue-rinse with a boob tube, Romania’s zombie bondage butlers and Portugal’s… well, I don’t know what Portugal was, except it was a song about mobile phones that sounded like someone throwing a piano down some stairs.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Midget drum-kit
Chinese man with a stepladder
Heart made of lasers
Pogo-dancing idiot
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
MULLET! (a man with two haircuts, both of them bad)
MAN TABLE! (table made of men)
Crotch grabbing
Some audience nutter waving a Brazilian flag for no reason.
Girls on sticks
Mirror man
Giant chair
Hammer time! (hammer as musical instrument)
Lyrics: “I’m dancing with the fairies now.”
Black thigh boots but no knickers
Sign: IT HURTS TO BE ALIVE
Sudden gospel choir
Hand-drawn armchair
Giant reindeer effigy
Man in inadvisable shorts
HOLA OLA! First sighting of supervisor Jon-Ola Sand
Pointing
Onstage Fencers
SHOW A LEG! (single leg poking out of costume)
Robot
Misheard lyrics: “I’m shitting my body tonight.”
He’s a Cockney Czech!
El Dancing Wicker Man
Lyrics: “Na Na Na”
Big ballerina
White thigh boots
Backflip! (seriously, stop with the... stop... stop!)
Hands make a heart (on or off-stage)
Gaucho backing dancers
Lyrics: “The ruins of what has been”
FLAME ON! (every time there's pyrotechnics)
Slide and Sneer!
Lyrics: “I can be your jungle.”
WINKING
COSTUME CHANGE
Giant ball!
Giant ball thrown into the audience.
Ribbons!
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

HORSE HEAD! As a special bonus for all you astronomers, at some point tonight you will see Barnard 33, also known as the Horsehead Nebula.

Other optional bonus categories are:

YES, WE KNOW! (every time someone points out Israel isn’t in Europe)

The Palestinian Protest Sweepstake – pick a song in advance to see if you can predict when the stage invasion, banner or other stunt inevitably happens. My guess is when Estonia or the UK are onstage, because that’s when everybody will be in the loo.

Threatening comment from Eastern European panellist about “our neighbours”

Panellist attempts to say “L’CHAIM!”

AYOUB SERIOUS? Green-room host Lucy Ayoub switches into Arabic.

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion.).
(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup).

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

 

“We are technicolour. Watch us go.”

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2018

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All aboard, bonsoir et boa noite, beautiful creatures, for the 2018 Eurovision Shouty I-Spy, coming to you this Saturday from Lisbon, where the organisers have had A YEAR to write jokes that are funny, and make travelogue inserts that don’t make their country look like a school trip to the cork factory. Sadly, this year at the semi-finals we’ve already lost Switzerland’s slutty White Stripes take-off, and the attempt by Belarus to introduce the new sport of rose archery, but there is still plenty of mentalism for the Eurovision-lover or Eurovision-hater to get into. Finland’s gone a little bit Third Reich, Italy’s sent Scott Pilgrim and a man with a sore throat, and Portugal are trying too hard not to win again. But it’s been officially declared too gay for the Chinese, so well done, everybody.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

Plays imaginary musical instrument
The Croydon Facelift Backing Dancers
Dracula's piano coffin
Fake snow
Man wearing a leopard
Half Woman, Half Mountain!
Einstein a go-go! Mad scientist plays the flute.
Mismatched eyes
SHOW A LEG! (single leg poking out of costume)
Jacket thrown into audience
Crowd-surfing guitarist
Lyrics: "I'm taking my Pikachu home."
Staircase on fire
It's the chest slapping dance
Man with a backpack
Country and western body popping
Croydon Facelifters again + Pound-Shop Beyonce
Barefoot singer
Lyrics: "Pam pam pa hoo, Turram pam pa hoo"
Spinning wheel of death
Creepy rentboy threatens to "dance you off"
The wigglebum dance trio
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (on or off-stage)
Lyrics: "bop-whop-a-lu bop on his wood bamboo"
Girl impersonates chicken
Shell Suit!
Samurai shoulderpads
Lyrics: "Scoo-bee-doo-bee bap bap"
Tuck your shirt in!
WINKING
Did she just say "MadaBaka", or...?
Waving the white flag
COSTUME CHANGE
Trust fall (I hope they catch her)
Lyrics: "Na na na na na na ne"
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Throwing imaginary objects into the audience
The music stops! Was that planned?
Tormund Giantsbane singing about peace and love
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***
FLAME ON! (every time there's pyrotechnics)

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

BONUS SCORING

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Chicken impersonation from foreign judge.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
CLANG! Portuguese host is as funny as a road accident.

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2017

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This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is in Ukraine, land of some of the best ever Eurovision mentalists. Sadly this year we’ve already lost Latvia’s disco-goth Sailor Moon and Montenegro’s ponytail whirling spacefarer, but there’s plenty of nutters left for Saturday..

This year is the year of the Man-Bun, with these monstrosities appearing on singers, dancers and band members. We also trial our new SHOW A LEG category, for any moment when someone has a single bare leg poking out their costume. This replaces our usual Mullet Dress category, since too many things that look like a mullet dress from a distance turn out to be miniskirts with bum veils. Yes, we have probably thought about this far too much.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

SHOW A LEG!
The Star Trek Away Team (science, command, security and… orange)
Tap that jug!
Hold my microphone for me
The one-legged hoppy dance
MAN-BUN!
Hands make a heart (several)
Singing in a boat
Conveyor belt dancing
It’s the man in the moon!
WINKING (a lot of winking this year)
COSTUME CHANGE
It’s the Eiffel Tower!
Suddenly shouts “SAMURAI!”
Yodelling
Mask made out of fairy lights
Bouquet throwing
KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
Slapping a pond
Writing on people with chalk
DANCING GORILLA!
Walking on a line he just drew
Onstage cannons
Sign: “Feeling all alone and insecure.”
Big Giant Head
Girl standing in a kaleidoscope (you’ll see three of her)
Xena Warrior Princess voguing in the back (looky likee)
Fat man in half a leather jacket
Glitterboobs (Visible glitter on boobs)
FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
Man with a horse’s head on top of a stepladder
Woman on a pedestal
Topless man/men
Mask made out of fairy lights
Brushes off imaginary dandruff (got to be quick with this one)
Bimbling*
ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
Buddha Jazz Hands***

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

BONUS SCORING

Cyprus gives Greece 12 points
Greece gives Cyprus 12 points
Finland gives Sweden 12 points
Britain scores nul points
Brazilian or Russian flag spotted in the audience.
Eastern European delegate makes ominous comment about friendship
Ukrainian hosts compliment themselves on their attractiveness

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

Eurovision Shouty I-Spy 2016

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nice hat

Godspeed, you funky Belgians! We’re back for the game of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest hosted in 2016 by Sweden, the country that never fails to be insufferably smug about winning all the time. And this year, it’s being broadcast in the USA: let’s see Trump put a wall around that.

We’ve already had to say goodbye to Bosnia-Hercegovina’s bacofoil cellist, Moldova’s break-dancing astronaut, Belarus’s naked wolf fondling, and Greece’s inexplicable claim to be the “land of the rising sun”. Categories still resting this year include readily identifiable mullet dresses, and our popular dubstep dance-off, although I am pleased to report that Buddha Jazz Hands is back.

Step One: you will probably need to be quite drunk. Step Two: The following sights will be seen during this Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest. Can you see them first? Remember to shout it out. Party hosts will need to keep score of who gets what first, or otherwise dish out the forfeits to those that aren’t quick enough. As ever, there is more than one key change, and plenty of orbital cleavage, but this year you have to be quick to catch the subtlest of bimbles. Keep your eyes (or ears) open for any of the following. And when you notice it, SHOUT IT OUT!

In no particular order, in Saturday’s final you should look out for:

  • CAPE!
  • Princess Ardala and the Buck Rogers Backing Dancers
  • giant spinning twosome hoop
  • whistling chorus
  • Lyrics: “Your smell on me”
  • glow in the dark violin
  • standing on a giant clock
  • silver disco shorts
  • tuck your shirt in, you scruffy oik!
  • woman wearing a tent
  • glowing garters
  • Misheard lyrics: “massive balls weighing down the people all around”
  • Subtle Message: “WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LIFE?”
  • Lyrics: “I can feel my ship capsizing.”
  • pointless walk to a new microphone
  • holographic self-replicating clone backing dancers
  • POINTING!
  • sparkly fingerless Goth gloves
  • mid-air somersault
  • he’s got wings!
  • giant pink G
  • howling
  • sitting on a sparkly slab
  • Farah Fawcett hair (quite a few)
  • pointless time-wasting pause
  • Lyrics: “The monsters in my head.”
  • Winking
  • panda on her head
  • he’s fallen into his own vortex!
  • inadvisable bandy-legs dance
  • KEY CHANGE! (every time you hear one)
  • band in a cage
  • Bimbling*
  • ORBITAL CLEAVAGE**
  • pink ponytail
  • FLAME ON! (every time there’s pyrotechnics)
  • Lyrics: “Beep Beep Beep.”
  • he’s climbing the magic steps
  • Buddha Jazz Hands***
  • COSTUME CHANGE

(*swaying one’s head from side to side in a snakey fashion)

(**ostentatious cleavage sufficient to see from a satellite in orbit, which, according to Eurovision bra consultant Tom Clancy, requires a minimum of C-cup)

(***the dancers all pile behind the singer in a line and then fling their arms out, creating a multi-limbed oriental deity-look)

Apologies to American readers, who will have to just imagine what the world’s biggest, gayest song contest is like. Just imagine, for one day every year, Europe gets to behave the way that Japan does all the time.

 

Belgium, man. Belgium.